I neglected it for years after I crossed the finish line of those 26.2 miles.
I had just gotten burnt out on it, I wanted to try something new.
It was on this specific run a few days ago that I remembered WHY I used to run so much, what it did for me back then.
It healed me. That sounds so cliche and stupid, but it's true.
I used to take all the brokenness I was feeling and channelled it into my runs.
Now, I can't recall every single run I've ever been on, but I can recall every single run that I've ever felt an overwhelming amount of emotion.
Every single run I've ever let the tears stream down my face as the wind blew on my cheeks and dried them is etched into my mind.
It began happening less and less the more I ran.
Lately I've been running again just to get moving. Nothing super far, just a few miles at a time. For no specific purpose or reason, just to move.
But the other day, after a very difficult morning where the adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and I was on the verge of tears, sitting at my desk, something inside me told me to get up.
The same thing that used to tell me to rush home from work so I could lace up and hit the pavement.
It used to make my legs twitch in my car, gave me anxiety if I didn't go, and made me angry if I missed it.
So I listened.
I put on my Brooks and grabbed my earphones and walked out my front door, adrenaline still coursing through my veins, KNOWING I was going to lose it at any second.
You know that feeling you have before the first tear falls? It's this huge build up of emotion. Doesn't matter what emotion it is, happiness, anger, sadness, it just builds until it can't anymore. Until you can't hold it in anymore.
Not a single tear fell from my eyes until I pushed shuffle on my playlist and this song was the first to come on:
I hadn't even made it to the end of my street before tears were streaming down my face full force. My earphones all the way up, I couldn't even hear my own breathing. It wasn't just a singe tear that fell from the corner of my eye, it was a whole lot of rage and anger and sadness and pity in the form of an all out bawl.
I wish I could tell you the one specific event that triggered this burst of emotion, but it was more like a combination of several things...
I never expected my life to go this way.
This is hard.
How do I do this?
I got to thinking about how all the things I'd had planned for my life had gone awry.
How everything I'd ever done had lead me to this exact place.
How life is not fair.
How, even despite the amazing people in my life now, there are still cracks all over my heart. It's like a vase that's been broken but glued back together beautifully. There are still cracks, no matter how unique the vase is now.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life these days. I am the happiest I've ever been. I have an amazing man in my life that is my rock. He centers me. He supports me and fights for me. He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world. I have never felt that before him. He loves the boys and teaches them things I can't. He is so incredibly patient and kind to them. He never raises his voice, he never gets angry, he never leaves me wondering, he always puts the boys and I first and he loves us unconditionally. We are blessed to have him.
But what it's taken to get me here sometimes seeps back in and I get overwhelmed thinking about it.
Thinking about everything I've gone through and the emotional healing I've had, and am still having to do.
It causes this flood of emotions that I don't know how to express.
So I run.
And the tears fall.
I'm sad at first, and then I'm angry.
I feel broken still, if only for a second.
And then I remember what all of that has meant. The tears, the brokenness, the anger, the hurt, the pain, has all lead me to this new life I made for myself and the boys. This beautiful life that I'm so lucky to have.
A chance to start over. A chance to learn from mistakes and move forward in a positive light.
It's meant more happiness than I've ever felt.
I get to re-write my story, and make the ending even better.
Not many people get that chance. And yes, it's hard, and life is not fair, but sometimes things can go even BETTER than we had planned.
And then I cry again, because I never thought I could be this happy. 💗
